That’s crazy.” And then they see a tape of me doing it, and they’re like… “We can’t hang out with you anymore, Dave. Here I am, thinking that old AIDS was working just fine, and they already have a new AIDS out. It appears that her dick is popping out of her dress. Were you surprised? But he didn’t think it all the way through, lady. Good to see everybody out here tonight. I bring him up because last year, he calls me out of the blue, like, “Yo, what’s up, man? Sam Morril compares wearing a condom to doing volunteer work, wonders if murderers critique each other’s work and recalls befriending a vigilante in Cleveland. They was like— I saw all this from a distance. She would just punish me in little ways, make me do shit that I hate to do. Is this 1850? Like, can a gynecologist lose their license… for smelling their fingers during an exam? You know, you’re just gay.” He said, “I’m a little nervous about getting married, man. I’m waiting on it any second. And you know why the guy said he did it that night? I knew something was wrong, so I rolled the window down. I get it. What happened?” “Well, that’s it. He said, “I did it ’cause Dave Chappelle is racist.” So, n i g g a? Maybe my kid’s mom, but that’s it. I hid it.” I said, “I don’t want to talk about the sandwich. He was like… [whimpering] “‘Cause she had it coming.” I said… And everyone looked at me. I got this. If I put on an argyle sweater, and I’m like, “Hey, everybody, I feel like a white guy in this sweater, and I want some goddamn respect and a bank loan,” that’s not gonna work. Oh, my God, it’s everywhere. I didn’t even know CDC saw patients. Not a banana. I’ll sort through the ethics later. I want to talk about it. Someone fell asleep with their socks off, didn’t they?” You can’t rape feet. I was walking with my sister. But you know what kills more black people than anything, more than police and terrorism? Getting me to agree to this was beyond his wildest dreams. I think I’m gonna come.” And then she looks up at me and goes, “Come in my face… nigger.” I know, that’s a tough one. No thing in this world is as cold as a woman’s cold shoulder, ’cause she was mad, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Remember Donald Sterling? I can’t explain it. Five days, that man melted to death. We love your comedy. It’s an experiment. I don’t know what else to tell you.” I like when Lil Wayne talks about pussy, because he’s— Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song? [cheers and applause] You say yes? But I knew that she was just really mad about that tape, so now she was gonna punish me about a fucking sandwich that I’d bit. I’ll be showing up late all the time, and I’m, like, in a Porsche, and I’m blasting music that they don’t like. I’m just saying. Is he okay?” Then they looked at me like I was evil. What’s wrong with a guy touching his own private parts? “You gotta be careful, baby. And I felt sick to my stomach, and I looked up at the clock, and then I saw my wife was coming home in ten minutes, and I just panicked. These doctors, thank God, are healthy. -[man] I love you, Dave! What does that mean?” And then he just started crying like he was Tupac. Now, pussy, tell me, what goes through a fighter’s mind when their bean gets rattled around like that?” “I don’t think I was thinking anything, Larry. Isn’t it weird how there’s a disease that just starts in 1980, and it doesn’t kill anybody but n i g g a s, fags and junkies? She recorded all that shit. He didn’t look good. As a matter of fact, some people say it’s necessary. I’ll do one more just so you believe me. My wife once called me a pussy… in front of dinner guests. You can’t just be throwing banana peels at Dave Chappelle. -I love you, too. Even when my wife was pregnant, we used to go to a gynecologist… [chuckles] and he’d put her legs up in that stirrup like this. What if Martin Luther King just went around throwing tuna casserole on white people? We’re good friends. There it was said they administered what The New York Times called “a secret serum.” I don’t know what’s in it. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s a pretty harsh song. They didn’t say they were gonna catch ’em for sure, but they had the demeanor of some confident people that would catch ’em. I’ll get out the car!” And I started yanking on his door. Yeah. After the Tuskegee experiments and all that shit. He did it all. If I stop, he’ll stop. And I was like, “Hey, you know what? I’m gonna eat it. That’s why I’m not Lil Wayne. This has happened to me before. What the fuck? With Dave Chappelle, Morgan Freeman. A father and son unknowingly sleep with the same woman, then four years later compete over the paternity of a child either of them could be the father of. I had a wonderful time. [crying] “These kids keep fucking with me!” I told his teacher, I said, “Well, now, wait a minute. Now, if you see me walking down the street with Baba, I ain’t got no leash or nothing. “We’re gonna send this motherfucker to jail!” I didn’t notice it, but while I was yelling at him, a crowd of all-white people had formed, ’cause it was an all-white town. Sarah knows that I’m black, and she’s half-black, so she just understands me. save. -[cheers] Oh, I didn’t know you would ever clap for that. Why is measles in the news?” It turns out they were trying to decide if mandatory vaccinations for children is the way we all want to go. Get a dog. I just picture Lil Wayne like… “What is this strange oil… floating in my hot tub water? Back in those days, if you wanted to get out your marriage, you’d just tell your wife, “Hey, baby, I’m gonna get a pack of cigarettes. His dick’s gonna be chafed the fuck up tomorrow. I just— I don’t know. He was caught in the traffic. You didn’t know that? Shine your flashlight right here. That school is very— It’s a liberal school. You might as well give them a diarrhea shot if you’re so worried. This is all I said. How’s that gonna work?” And Kate will instantly be furious. This guy must be really racist if AIDS is the footnote. ♪ The greatest man alive… ♪, ♪ But now I’m a man ♪ I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherfucker threw a banana peel at me. Everybody’s mad about something. This is a Marlboro menthol. You know what I mean? “Oh. Right after Ray Rice went through all that shit, I was at a party and I met this kid Michael Sam. Because I’ll say shit, and Kate’s just too serious about being a lesbian. These are not good times for the blacks. Front, left. And we can also agree that that hot seat is traditionally occupied by African-Americans in general, African-American men in particular. I just slipped in something. So, is there something we can do, short of jail, just to let him know that he’s wrong?” She said, “I don’t know. [crowd] No! 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